Practical Faith

Self-care is a big buzzword right now. External and internal expectations on mamas are louder than ever before.

We face challenges unlike any faced by previous generations of women. Social media, media, infinite parenting philosophies, and the general sinful nature of our humanity has cultivated an exhausting, sometimes tormenting, atmosphere in which we live and desperately push to thrive.

Despite all of the expectations and demands, I believe our generation has a deep heartfelt desire to love our family faithfully, sacrificialy and as much like Christ as possible. I believe there is a revival in our country, especially among moms who desire to not just do motherhood well, but to do it as unto the Lord.

As parents of 4 children, spanning 15 years, we've essentially tried every single form of discipline there is. Spanking, time-outs, removing electronic privileges, missed play dates, loss of toys—you name it, and we've tried it. I've also gone a positive discipline route and hugged through meltdowns (which is usually the right thing to do with children under 6) and tried to "overlook offenses" under my own misperception of “grace.”

“Do not let the endless succession of small things crowd great ideals out of sight and out of mind.” -Charlotte Mason

I have no idea how many books I’ve read in my life, but I can promise you that they have shaped who I am and the way I live—drastically. The way I speak to my husband, the way I teach or discipline my children, the way I pray and seek the Lord—have all been shaped by books.

This is a guest post from my friend Jana! I love to read her practical encouragement and actionable wisdom. I hope it will bless you too!

The monotony of life at home can lull us into simply existing. We’ve all been there. But it doesn’t have to be so. Mama, you can thrive at home!

Here are three strategies: make it beautiful, provide gracious order, and be a consistent presence.

MAKE IT BEAUTIFUL

Do you feel an internal tug for beauty? Perhaps you love an orange sunset or pink peonies. God created this world beautiful as a reflection of Himself, so I believe an innate pull to beauty is why we desire to create beautiful spaces in our homes. Beautiful spaces bring a deep sense of thriving.

This post was contributed to Life, Abundantly by the talented Amber Palmer. See her full bio below. I hope you’ll be as encouraged and convicted as I was!

The intense yelling coming from the other side of the house floated down the hall to where I was putting laundry away in my room. “Oh, not again, I can’t do this again…” I thought to myself as my children’s yells and cries got louder.  This was the third time within thirty minutes that I was interrupted while trying to put the pile (ok, mountain) of laundry away.  

Anger poured over me and through me and all around me as I marched down the hall toward the sibling fight. Huffing and puffing, mumbling and complaining, I hustled to the fire I was desperate to put out for good.

Marching over to them, I matched their loud screams with, “Why are you always yelling at each other!” I felt pain rip through my throat and a voice come out that I wasn’t even familiar with myself.

For years and years, I would have called a couple of my children (and myself) "very strong-willed." I'd read book after book about these children who are like little attorneys. Children who must learn everything "the hard way, " and who are so determined and set in their ways that it's an act of war to have them ever obey or submit to authority. 

Defiant.

Hard-headed.

Stubborn.

Big personality.

Strong-willed.

If you have a child who could give a Harvard law grad a run for their money... You aren't alone. I have two such children, and I've been told, I am that person too.

Babies. Time. Gravity. Busyness. Injuries. Disease. There are so many ways and events that can fester a special kind of dissatisfaction with our bodies. As mamas, we know the power and strength that is inside of us- that created, nourished, and cultivated life, then pushed it out into the world. We know the purpose behind these bodies, but more often than not, as the battle scars of life begin to tatter our flesh, we can question our very worth and purpose.

We battle our stretch marks. We battle the extra pounds. We battle the cellulite, the sagging jaw line, and the embedded lines that show we’ve expressed joy daily. The world tells us that these signs of life are undesirable and less than beautiful. The message to these generations is that as we grow in wisdom, virtue, experience, and strength, we are now less than we once were because we wear the battle scars of a life filled with living.

Despite what the magazines on the rack say, the Book I look to says differently. The Book I look to says that my body is sacred, chosen, strengthened, and redeemed. The only Word that matters says that I house the Spirit of the living God inside these dimpled thighs and amongst all those wayward hairs.

We all have unbelief—sometimes in ourselves, in our spouse, in a child… all to varying degrees. We aren’t born believers, unfortunately. God must pursue our hearts until we willingly submit to Him and lay our lives at the foot of the cross.

When the root of unbelief is in our own hearts, we need only cry out to God in earnest desire to fully believe. As the father of the sick child in Mark 9:24 cries out to Jesus, “Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief!” so too can we cry out, and He will surely answer.

You're a good mom. And I should know- I'm a good mom too, so I'm qualified to judge. 

Here's how I know that we are both good moms: 

• I've yelled at my kids. 

• I've criticized them. 

• I can be impatient and distracted.

• I've overexpected. 

• I've underestimated. 

• I've failed to discipline them. 

• I've disciplined them too rashly. 

• I've packed up and left them for a whole weekend because I needed a break so badly. 

• I've wondered what in the world I was thinking to have had so many. 

• I've failed to know one of them had learning disabilities and criticized her for her "disobedience and laziness."

I've also felt shame, self-hatred, condemnation, overwhelming guilt, and humiliation over every single one of those things. If you can fail in some way as a parent- I've done it. 

In the last 20 minutes, I've literally heard the beckoning of "Mama" 38 times. Literally. To keep my sanity, I started counting. As I lay my youngest down to sleep, I pondered the huge milestones we'd met this week of potty training and weaning all intermingled with the frustration and just plain exhaustion of, "Mama, Mama, Mama."

In my heart, I cried out to the Lord to strengthen, encourage, and bless me for the rest of this day and all that it still held... And for the many, many "Mamas" that had yet to be said... 

• Breast or bottle.
• Forward-facing or rear-facing.
• Homeschool or public school.
• Attachment parenting or cry it out.
• Baby wearing or stroller.
• Store bought puree or baby led weaning.
• Cloth or disposable.
• Early education or delayed instruction.
• Formal lessons or unschooling.
• Classical or Charlotte Mason.
• Textbooks or living books.
• Crafts or free play.
• Packed lunch or lunchroom.
• Organic or not.
• Essential oils or a doctor visit.
• Paleo or convenience foods.
• Homeschool for life or homeschool for now.
• Time outs... Positive reinforcement... Or spanking?
• And let's not even get into the decisions we make with our teenagers!

It never ends. As moms, we make thousands of decisions daily, big and small, and no matter where we look, our friends, family, media, and experts are all telling us (directly or indirectly) that we are doing it WRONG. The world shouts that out of all the choices, the one we made isn't the BEST. There's a better way...

Criticism is something I’ve battled my entire life. It came from extended family members, friends, acquaintances, leaders, and even strangers.

My earliest memory dealing with it was as a small child. Being criticized for being a female while all my cousins and sibling were males was constant. Growing up in a family where my extended relatives praised males was challenging. I never felt enough, no matter how hard I tried.

As a young adult, I worked under a leader who didn’t fully agree with women in ministerial roles. I found myself receiving the same sort of criticism I did as a child. Nothing I did was ever good enough, and every time I opened my mouth I was told I said something wrong. I was given clear instructions, followed them exactly, but somehow I was still critiqued. It was constant, and it was heartbreaking. It crushed my spirit.

I want to openly admit that I've been completely distracted lately... by an overwhelming to-do list, endless obligations, spreading myself thin, and spending WAY too much time on social media. It has resulted in my being irritable and impatient with my kids.

The insane amount of time I spend on my phone is one of those things that I've been "aware" of for some time, but it's also something I find myself making a ton of excuses about. I work online so I need access to my email, my blog, and my social media. Plus I'm a stay at home mom with littles, so I don't get out and have many adult conversations. I have friends and family who don't live close by, so I need to keep up with their lives too. Plus, those same family and friends want to see what we're up to. RIGHT? And with many life changes going on right now and various tasks popping up left and right... of course my mind is overflowing 24/7. My brain is an internet browser with 4.7 million tabs open at all times.

We make THOUSANDS of small decisions daily, my friend. 

• Should I get out of bed?
• Should I work? 
• Should I cook breakfast?
• Should I shower?
• Should I drive safely?
• Should I respond to this text?
• How should I respond to my husband?
• When should I respond to my whining child? 

Opportunities to decide come relentlessly. We make so many in a day that we develop habits to overcome the overwhelm of the constant thinking required for all of these decisions. We don't think through EVERY single decision. At some point, we made a decision in the past, and it went well, so we settled into following those ruts so that we no longer have the stress of having to make that decision every single time. Our habits help us cope with the magnitude of the everyday. 

Basically, we set our lives on auto-pilot, and we do this despite the fact that our habits (pre-decided decisions) change our lives.

Our habits don't just CHANGE our lives; they ARE our lives.

I've recently admitted that I yell at my children... and it's all because I'm lazy. I'm confident I'm not alone in that, and so far the internet hounds have not come baying at my door. So, just to be fully transparent, I thought I'd also confess that I'm also not an encouraging mom like I once thought myself to be. And this realization has hit my like a ton of bricks.

How many times do I become sinfully angry with a child because they need my hands-on redirection, and I don't want to walk across the room? How many times do I raise my voice when I should have just raised my bottom off the seat I was in? How often have I lost my patience when I simply didn't want to be bothered from the comfort of whatever I was doing at the time? 

Let's get really honest. What are some of my greatest failings as a wife and mother? 

• I am quick to anger. 
• I yell in my anger. 
• I am impatient. 
• I want things to go the way I wanted or expected them to. 

What are some traps I commonly find myself snared in? 

• I grow weary of being touched. 
• I grow weary of always pouring into everyone else, and it never seeming like enough. 
• I grow weary of the noise and chatter. 
• I grow weary of someone always needing something from me. 
• I grow weary of doing the same tasks, that are immediately undone, day in and day out. 

And so what do these sins and these traps have in common: laziness. Put another way: I often lack the self-discipline to do what I ought to do rather than what I feel like doing. 

It's  January... which means we are all on a downhill slide. The busyness and craziness and fun of Christmas has all been quieted, and we are left to our own devices (often trapped inside from the frigid temps). If you're like me, this anticlimactic time following the depths of winter as we roll past the New Year can usher in boredom, exhaustion, and cabin fever. We oftentimes enter what's now commonly referred to as a "slump" in our homeschool year.

But why? Is it fully triggered by gloomy weather and post-holiday blues? I suspect there's something else lurking beneath this battle almost every homeschool Mama faces each year...

I came to slowly know Christ just over a decade ago. He came to me in the darkest period in my marriage and let me know that despite having failed in every way imaginable, that I was still loved. He humbled me and brought me into his fold where I have safely and confidently resided ever since. Since my marriage to Christ, we've been in a sweet honeymoon period- for literally a decade. Jesus saved me from myself and let me know I was loved without fail when I was absolutely unlovable. He changed my heart, my mind, my priorities, my perspective, my marriage, my parenting- literally almost every ounce of me has been made new in Christ (except my potty-mouth, but he's still working).

I have passionately loved him for it and pursued him with fervor- most of the time. Some of the time, I have not. Some of the time, I am overly confident that I can handle things on my own. Some of the time, I feel like everything is going fine, and I don't need him quite as much. Some of the time, I forget just how sinful I truly am.

I absolutely LOVE books. I love a book that leads me to the Cross, reminds me of God's abundant grace, convicts me of unrecognized sin, and helps me love my husband or children better. God's Word is my go-to for all of those things, but there's something special about hearing experiences and lessons from other people, just like me. (Here's my very favorite note-taking Bible by the way. I'm an ESV girl.) I want to share some of my FAVORITE books of all time that I think are the perfect fit for any Mama looking to grow in any area of her life.

So, I prayed hard and identified 6 books that have been extremely influential in my life. I wanted to give you a quick rundown of each of them here, so you can know WHY I love them so much.

I absolutely LOVE books. I love a book that leads me to the Cross, reminds me of God's abundant grace, convicts me of unrecognized sin, and helps me love my husband or children better. God's Word is my go-to for all of those things, but there's nothing like hearing experiences and lessons from other people, just like me. (Here's my very favorite note-taking Bible by the way. I'm an ESV girl.) 

So, I prayed hard, and identified 6 books (and a journal) that have been extremely influential in my life. I wanted to give you a quick rundown of each of them here, so you can know WHY I love them so much!

I love my husband. We've been married for over 15 years and together nearly 25 at the ripe old age of 36. He's literally sewn into my existence. We are like peas and cornbread- absolutely inseparable. Except back when we were separable- back when we were making our own rules, following our own feelings, and generally doing life (including marriage) our own way.

Way back when, we were stuck together but we both had some strong moments of being ready for that to not be the case. I'll never forget those days. Those long nights of fights and tears- when he finally decided enough was enough. Those are raw, unshakeable memories for two reasons. Obviously for the unshakeable pain entrenched in them for both of us, but even more so for the unspeakable redemption and joy that came out of it all. 

In part 1 and part 2 of this series (definitely go back and read those first if you haven't) we tackled the big question of evaluating our REASON for homeschooling in the first place and then used some worksheets to curate a homeschool vision. 

Our big question # 2 is this: Are you being REALISTIC with your expectations for homeschooling based on your personality, the abilities of your child, the availability of your husband, and the number of hours in the day? In other words, are your expectations appropriate or even reasonable?

Hear me first on this, mama: When you homeschool, you are NOT a "stay at home mom". You are a work from home mom. You are a TEACHER who works at home- degree or not. You are wholly responsible for your child's education (which is BOTH terrifying and a huge honor.) 

It's ok to have brokenness and unifinishedness and to be out of control. Messy floors, broken fences, unhung doors- not having the time, energy, money, or mental fortitude to fix every little thing. It's ok.