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As parents of 4 children, spanning 15 years, we've essentially tried every single form of discipline there is. Spanking, time-outs, removing electronic privileges, missed play dates, loss of toys- you name it, and we've tried it. I've also gone a positive discipline route and hugged through meltdowns (which is usually the right thing to do with children under 6) and tried to "overlook offenses" under my own misperception of “grace.”
As I talk about in this post, I floundered over the years in finding a method of consistent discipline that works with multiple personality types, is rooted in the Truth of God, and really preached the Gospel to my children.
“Do not let the endless succession of small things crowd great ideals out of sight and out of mind.” -Charlotte Mason
I have no idea how many books I’ve read in my life, but I can promise you that they have shaped who I am and the way I live- drastically. The way I speak to my husband, the way I teach or discipline my children, the way I pray and seek the Lord- have all been shaped by books.
Books are powerful because words and ideas are powerful. Allowing someone else’s ideas into the most intimate places in our heart is a precious thing- a thing we must always approach with discernment.
Charlotte Mason tells us that ideas build upon ideas. And so the ideas that we develop are often rooted in the ideas that we have received from others. We receive ideas through conversation, articles, books, music, movies, television shows, and even our social media feeds.
This is a guest post from my friend Jana! I love to read her practical encouragement and actionable wisdom. I hope it will bless you too!
The monotony of life at home can lull us into simply existing. We’ve all been there. But it doesn’t have to be so. Mama, you can thrive at home! Here are three strategies: make it beautiful, provide gracious order, and be a consistent presence.
MAKE IT BEAUTIFUL
Do you feel an internal tug for beauty? Perhaps you love an orange sunset or pink peonies. God created this world beautiful as a reflection of Himself, so I believe an innate pull to beauty is why we desire to create beautiful spaces in our homes. Beautiful spaces bring a deep sense of thriving.
This post was contributed to Life, Abundantly by the talented Amber Palmer. See her full bio below. I hope you’ll be as encouraged and convicted as I was!
The intense yelling coming from the other side of the house floated down the hall to where I was putting laundry away in my room. “Oh, not again, I can’t do this again…” I thought to myself as my children’s yells and cries got louder. This was the third time within thirty minutes that I was interrupted while trying to put the pile (ok, mountain) of laundry away.
Anger poured over me and through me and all around me as I marched down the hall toward the sibling fight. Huffing and puffing, mumbling and complaining, I hustled to the fire I was desperate to put out for good.
Marching over to them, I matched their loud screams with, “Why are you always yelling at each other!” I felt pain rip through my throat and a voice come out that I wasn’t even familiar with myself.
This guest post was contributed by the delightful and talented Carly Wilson. See the bio at the bottom to find more of Carly’s work. We are delighted to have her!
My husband just stands there, doing nothing. I can’t tolerate it! He pours the coffee into the mug, pops it into the microwave, hits start, and then…nothing. He just lounges against the counter while it heats up.
He should be putting the time to good use.
He should be wiping up the counter, putting away the milk, or closing the drawer.
“Don’t you need to do something?” I asked him. “Aren’t you bored just standing there?”
“Not at all,” he answered. “It’s actually kind of nice to do nothing.”
For some reason, this annoys me!
There are a LOT of Bible study tools on the market. A. LOT. It’s honestly a little overwhelming, but with two teenage daughters, I felt like it was wise to pursue a program that could be an additional voice in teaching them to seek God’s word out daily.
Aside from the general overwhelm at the quantity of programs available, I became overwhelmed by the AUTHOR’S voice, perspectives, interpretations, and beliefs as I perused guide after guide. Ultimately, I wanted simplicity for them. I wanted practicality. I wanted their time in God’s word to not be led by an author (no matter how esteemed and brilliant) but rather GOD’s Spirit.
For years and years, I would have called a couple of my children (and myself) "very strong-willed." I'd read book after book about these children who are like little attorneys. Children who must learn everything "the hard way, " and who are so determined and set in their ways that it's an act of war to have them ever obey or submit to authority.
Defiant.
Hard-headed.
Stubborn.
Big personality.
Strong-willed.
If you have a child who could give a Harvard law grad a run for their money... You aren't alone. I have two such children, and I've been told, I am that person too.
I received a text from a sweet friend last night, one who is in the thick of her first year or two of homeschooling. As she'd spent many sleepless nights cradling and nursing her newborn infant recently, thoughts and concerns flooded her mind over the progress of her 6-year old daughter's reading.
Anyone who has been in the thick of homeschooling for one year or 10 remembers those days well. Not one of us is impervious to fears, second-guessing, unmet expectations, and the torture of comparison. What follows is a version of my response to her concerns, that she and I agreed, should be shared with you as well.
Babies. Time. Gravity. Busyness. Injuries. Disease. There are so many ways and events that can fester a special kind of dissatisfaction with our bodies. As mamas, we know the power and strength that is inside of us- that created, nourished, and cultivated life, then pushed it out into the world. We know the purpose behind these bodies, but more often than not, as the battle scars of life begin to tatter our flesh, we can question our very worth and purpose.
We battle our stretch marks. We battle the extra pounds. We battle the cellulite, the sagging jaw line, and the embedded lines that show we’ve expressed joy daily. The world tells us that these signs of life are undesirable and less than beautiful. The message to these generations is that as we grow in wisdom, virtue, experience, and strength, we are now less than we once were because we wear the battle scars of a life filled with living.
Despite what the magazines on the rack say, the Book I look to says differently. The Book I look to says that my body is sacred, chosen, strengthened, and redeemed. The only Word that matters says that I house the Spirit of the living God inside these dimpled thighs and amongst all those wayward hairs.
We all have unbelief- sometimes in ourselves, in our spouse, in a child... All to varying degrees. We aren't born believers, unfortunately. God must pursue our hearts until we willingly submit to him and lay our lives at the foot of the cross.
When the root of unbelief is in our own hearts, we need only cry out to God in earnest desire to fully believe. As the father of the sick child in Mark 9:24 cries out to Jesus, "Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief!" so too can we cry out, and he will surely answer.
The more challenging aspect can be when we live with a loved one who is shrouded in unbelief. We don't have control over that situation at all. We desperately WANT to. We see with clear, unveiled eyes every single lie that our husband or child believes, the Biblical wisdom they lack that could bring them so much freedom, and the burden that their own unbelief places on them.
My personal experience is with an unbelieving husband, so that's where I'm speaking to specifically. My childhood sweetheart and I married 16 years ago as unbelievers.
I don’t know about you, but as my children grow older, they’re harder and harder to shop for. While my two oldest (14 and 12) will always just say, “Give me money!”, I’m not a huge fan of that. We try hard to keep our hearts focused on Christ through the advent season. I like to make sure the gifts my kids receive Christmas morning are exceptionally good.
Good does not have to mean expensive. What “good” means is that the gifts are good FOR them AND good in a way that demonstrates I know their hearts, their interests, and their needs. It’s my intention that the gifts that we give them (as their parents) demonstrate in a tangible way the GOOD gifts from God, and the good gift of Christ. God knows what they want AND what they need, and he fulfills those needs fully, through Christ. I hope that our Christmas gifts to them will reflect the heart of our Heavenly Father.
That’s a lofty goal, right? Keep in mind, as I share these 5 items to consider this Christmas, that both my older children are girls. I’m shooting for gender neutral as much as possible!
I want to add to this title that I also deeply believe that this simple solution is an incredible remedy for anxiety and worry. Once I say what it is, you may shoot me an eye roll and want to click away. I promise I'm not crazy.
So what's the solution? Knitting.
I said you may roll your eyes or leave. But give me 45 seconds and hear me out. The first thing to keep in mind is that knitting is not the "only" solution. Rather, I would posit that all "handicrafts" are a potential solution that IS Biblical. And I have proof!
Before I get into the scripture, let's run through a common Mom/Child scenario that I believe results in a massive amount of our everyday stress, conflict, and impatience.
Have you ever read Women of the Word by Jen Wilkin? New believer or mature Christians alike have the opportunity to understand God's written word in new and profound ways. In this book, Jen discusses several Bible study "errors" or traps, and I fit squarely into each one.
Adopting her Bible study methods have deepened my faith and broadened my understanding in significant ways. While the book is a short read, it's not necessarily a quick read as it's incredibly rich in content.
Who doesn’t love smores? Even with gluten, dairy, and corn allergies in our home, we’ve managed to still enjoy them. They’re a fall staple in our home, and we enjoy them immensely. A few years ago, I was thinking about s’mores and had a brainstorm for a random act of kindness. What if we chose several friends whom we love and packed s’more baskets up just for their families?
We decided to do just that! They were extremely popular. We got found out pretty quickly (despite our excellent ninja-skills), but we continued to do them each year. This year will be our 4th year and we are so excited to get them packed up and ding-dong-ditch them next week!
I am so so so excited that you have found Thanks-GIVING For Your Whole Family! The fall months and the holiday season have always been near and dear to my heart. I love the sights, sounds, smells, and feelings- cool crisp air, pumpkin pie scented candles, marshmallow-loaded hot cocoa, a crackling fire, and all of my loved ones close at hand.
Obviously, this means I also love Thanksgiving. I get to spend time with family, and there’s always a good football game. In celebration of Thanksgiving and anticipation of Christmas, it’s generally my goal that November would be filled with acts of service that demonstrate our gratitude and worship.
A couple of years ago, I developed a schedule of thanksgiving celebration in which our family focuses much more on genuinely giving than just saying how thankful we are (which, there’s definitely nothing wrong with that!). I am convinced that it creates the perfect space in our hearts to enter into worship in December.
You're a good mom. And I should know- I'm a good mom too, so I'm qualified to judge.
Here's how I know that we are both good moms:
I've criticized them.
I can be impatient and distracted.
I've overexpected.
I've underestimated.
I've failed to discipline them.
I've disciplined them too rashly.
I've packed up and left them for a whole weekend because I needed a break so badly.
I've wondered what in the world I was thinking to have had so many.
I've failed to know one of them had learning disabilities and criticized her for her "disobedience and laziness."
I've also felt shame, self-hatred, condemnation, overwhelming guilt, and humiliation over every single one of those things. If you can fail in some way as a parent- I've done it.
In the last 20 minutes, I've literally heard the beckoning of "Mama" 38 times. Literally. To keep my sanity, I started counting. As I lay my youngest down to sleep, I pondered the huge milestones we'd met this week of potty training and weaning all intermingled with the frustration and just plain exhaustion of, "Mama, Mama, Mama."
In my heart, I cried out to the Lord to strengthen, encourage, and bless me for the rest of this day and all that it still held... And for the many, many "Mamas" that had yet to be said...
Do you love a recommendation from a friend as much as I do? I love to read reviews and hear the best experiences (and the worst) so I kind of know what to expect. BUT the best recommendations come from an unbiased friend. I especially want to hear from my friends who have lots of kids, lots of responsibilities, and lots of things pulling her in every direction- just like I do! I need to hear what has worked for her and how it's made her life better... because isn't that all what we are looking for? We desire the stamina to live a life worthy of our calling and to avoid sickness as MUCH as possible!
I've walked through a very unhealthy few months. Between being accidentally glutened a few times and the resulting gut damage and deficiencies from that, then finding mold in our new home which kept me sick for months, I've become very refocused on healing my body and getting adequate rest so that I can be the wife and Mom I like to be. Sometimes our own health can be the hardest habit to maintain.
Here are my top 5 favorite things that have been helping me nourish my body, restore balance, and prepare healthful meals for my family as we get back into the "school" swing of things and recover from prolonged sickness:
- Breast or bottle.
- Forward-facing or rear-facing.
- Homeschool or public school.
- Attachment parenting or cry it out.
- Baby wearing or stroller.
- Store bought puree or baby led weaning.
- Cloth or disposable.
- Early education or delayed instruction.
- Formal lessons or unschooling.
- Classical or Charlotte Mason.
- Textbooks or living books.
- Crafts or free play.
- Packed lunch or lunchroom.
- Organic or not.
- Essential oils or a doctor visit.
- Paleo or convenience foods.
- Homeschool for life or homeschool for now.
- Time outs... Positive reinforcement... Or spanking?
- And let's not even get into the decisions we make with our teenagers!
It never ends. As moms, we make thousands of decisions daily, big and small, and no matter where we look, our friends, family, media, and experts are all telling us (directly or indirectly) that we are doing it WRONG. The world shouts that out of all the choices, the one we made isn't the BEST. There's a better way...
Criticism is something I’ve battled my entire life. It came from extended family members, friends, acquaintances, leaders, and even strangers.
My earliest memory dealing with it was as a small child. Being criticized for being a female while all my cousins and sibling were males was constant. Growing up in a family where my extended relatives praised males was challenging. I never felt enough, no matter how hard I tried.
As a young adult, I worked under a leader who didn’t fully agree with women in ministerial roles. I found myself receiving the same sort of criticism I did as a child. Nothing I did was ever good enough, and every time I opened my mouth I was told I said something wrong. I was given clear instructions, followed them exactly, but somehow I was still critiqued. It was constant, and it was heartbreaking. It crushed my spirit.
Even the best homeschool mom faces days or weeks where she questions if she should quit or not- sometimes after a year and sometimes after 5. Other times, we can also recognize that we've not taken the time to really reflect on our WHY for educating at home or cast a true vision for our homeschool. Those are both INCREDIBLY important.
In this video, I discuss why this matters, along with ending with some general "points of refreshment" that I use to encourage myself during challenging seasons. It could be called "A List of What I Have Learned." I hope you enjoy!
I'll confess up front, I do NOT have this all figured out. After four kids, I've been blessed with the wisdom to know I will NEVER have it "all figured out." In general, my life is like herding cats... drunk cats. On a daily basis, I lose my cool on someone, get totally irritated with dealing with the SAME SIN ISSUE again and again, and almost weekly I unabashedly question my sanity for even making all these tiny little crazies in the first place. I mean, I LOVE them... but WHY does it have to be so hard sometimes?
But the fact of the matter is, it's hard because of sin. It's hard because I'm a big sinner raising little sinners. We are all far from perfection, and our only hope is found in Christ alone. It's my profound duty and honor to daily seek out this sin, reveal it, and direct our hearts toward Jesus so that we can all pursue righteousness.
I want to openly admit that I've been completely distracted lately... by an overwhelming to-do list, endless obligations, spreading myself thin, and spending WAY too much time on social media. It has resulted in my being irritable and impatient with my kids.
The insane amount of time I spend on my phone is one of those things that I've been "aware" of for some time, but it's also something I find myself making a ton of excuses about. I work online so I need access to my email, my blog, and my social media. Plus I'm a stay at home mom with littles, so I don't get out and have many adult conversations. I have friends and family who don't live close by, so I need to keep up with their lives too. Plus, those same family and friends want to see what we're up to. RIGHT? And with many life changes going on right now and various tasks popping up left and right... of course my mind is overflowing 24/7. My brain is an internet browser with 4.7 million tabs open at all times.
Have you ever noticed that it seems that many homeschoolers don't necessarily choose home education for themselves? It seems to choose them? So sometimes we come into it a bit overwhelmed, making decisions as we go, sometimes making one mistake after another.... (raising hand!)
Sometimes it ends up being more than we signed up for. We may even consider quitting. Or maybe we aren't that far into questioning our choices, but we also know there has to be a better way.
- Maybe you started homeschooling out of necessity, and you jumped in hurriedly?
- Maybe you just dove in hoping for the best, but you weren't sure what to expect?
- Maybe you thought you had it figured out, but life circumstances, learning disabilities, personality conflicts... something... came in and derailed your plans?
- Maybe things aren't going so badly, but you also don't feel like you're thriving like it seems others are?
- Maybe you're kind of new and feeling overwhelmed, unsure of how to make decisions when there are just SO MANY options and opinions out there?
We make THOUSANDS of small decisions daily, my friend.
- Should I get out of bed?
- Should I work?
- Should I cook breakfast?
- Should I shower?
- Should I drive safely?
- Should I respond to this text?
- How should I respond to my husband?
- When should I respond to my whining child?
Opportunities to decide come relentlessly. We make so many in a day that we develop habits to overcome the overwhelm of the constant thinking required for all of these decisions. We don't think through EVERY single decision. At some point, we made a decision in the past, and it went well, so we settled into following those ruts so that we no longer have the stress of having to make that decision every single time. Our habits help us cope with the magnitude of the everyday.
Basically, we set our lives on auto-pilot, and we do this despite the fact that our habits (pre-decided decisions) change our lives.
Our habits don't just CHANGE our lives; they ARE our lives.
I've recently admitted that I yell at my children... and it's all because I'm lazy. I'm confident I'm not alone in that, and so far the internet hounds have not come baying at my door. So, just to be fully transparent, I thought I'd also confess that I'm also not an encouraging mom like I once thought myself to be. And this realization has hit my like a ton of bricks.
God knows that we're all just a smattering of random ingredients, and he has to grab hold of each part and work them all together for his glory (throwing and weeding out all the yuck). He's been working me together for years about a thing- a lesson he wanted to teach me. What the thing is doesn't matter. The mattering part is what he's teaching me through this one thing and how it applies to every single one of us, in every single circumstance, in every single season.
Ready for this lesson?
Joy, joy, joy- count it all joy. Choose joy. Joy has become a chant of the faithful as the ultimate side-effect of living a Christian life. John Piper refers to it as Christian hedonism in his book, Desiring God.
But what IS this pursuit of joy? How do we tackle it in the rough seasons- the desperate seasons- the I AM DONE seasons? How do we even get started pursuing it? For Pete's sake- where is the joy!?!
How many times do I become sinfully angry with a child because they need my hands-on redirection, and I don't want to walk across the room? How many times do I raise my voice when I should have just raised my bottom off the seat I was in? How often have I lost my patience when I simply didn't want to be bothered from the comfort of whatever I was doing at the time?
Let's get really honest. What are some of my greatest failings as a wife and mother?
- I am quick to anger.
- I yell in my anger.
- I am impatient.
- I want things to go the way I wanted or expected them to.
What are some traps I commonly find myself snared in?
- I grow weary of being touched.
- I grow weary of always pouring into everyone else, and it never seeming like enough.
- I grow weary of the noise and chatter.
- I grow weary of someone always needing something from me.
- I grow weary of doing the same tasks, that are immediately undone, day in and day out.
And so what do these sins and these traps have in common: laziness. Put another way: I often lack the self-discipline to do what I ought to do rather than what I feel like doing.
Self-care is a big buzzword right now. External and internal expectations on mamas are louder than ever before.
We face challenges unlike any faced by previous generations of women. Social media, media, infinite parenting philosophies, and the general sinful nature of our humanity has cultivated an exhausting, sometimes tormenting, atmosphere in which we live and desperately push to thrive.
Despite all of the expectations and demands, I believe our generation has a deep heartfelt desire to love our family faithfully, sacrificialy and as much like Christ as possible. I believe there is a revival in our country, especially among moms who desire to not just do motherhood well, but to do it as unto the Lord.